My Average Week

Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been blogging. I have a very long list of excuses... but I'll spare you those. Please just accept my sincerest apology and keep reading! Ok, I've been in Peru for six weeks now. Crazy, huh? Half of my time here is gone. Well, anyway, I've settled into a pretty sweet routine here and its gonna be pretty boring for me to blog about and for you to read, but the masses are curious, so here we go... During the week I get up at eight and take a shower, get dressed, put on sunscreen, grab a quick breakfast if I have time, and leave the house by nine. I get to my project and attempt to have English Class with the girls. Unfortunately they have become more and more comfortable with me to the point that they fine with telling me they're not interested in what I'm trying to teach them and that they'd rather go knit. I tried bribing them with the hard candy from my lunch but that ultimately failed. Class deteriorated little by little over the weeks until this last week we didn't even try since it was Katie's last week and we didn't feel like fighting them. After class we would usually play a game or talk while the girls knitted or help out in the kitchen, so yeah, that's all we did last week. Honestly, I feel completely useless here and its horribly depressing. For the first time in a long time I am not needed at all. No one here needs me for anything or will be in the least bit affected by my departure. I've never realized how much I need to feel needed to be happy. It's such a horrible conclusion to come to; I'm crying as I type this. How can I be so shallow as to find such little meaning in my day to day? I hate that I can't just be happy being me, just living. Why do I feel I must have someone or something depending on me to be fulfilled? I've been looking back on all the people I've ever help. All the good things I've ever done. Was I only motivated by some messed up scheme to feel needed? How can my self worth be so wrapped up in how many people need me? How has my self image depreciated so much in the last six weeks, just from not being needed? I've been questioning why I even decided to come here. Was my motivation to find a place where I'd be intensely needed? Is that my goal in wanting to work with a relief and development organization after college? Being the shiny glowing answer to everyone's prayers? Am I going into this field because I feel called to service in third world countries and God has laid many development based issues on my heart or because it's a way to make sure I'll always feel needed? I've been so ridiculously excited the last few months about going to college and following God's will and everything felt so right, so perfect, so meant to be. I was so happy that I had finally got it all right. But now I'm so horribly discouraged. I've been reading my bible until it's soaked with tears. I get back to the house after class and say I'm going to take a nap, but I really just lay down and sob into my pillow until I fall asleep. Last Friday was horrible. I said I had a headache and went home early and skipped class so I could curl up in a little ball and cry myself to sleep again. I've been really anti-social and standoffish the last week or so and I've been trying to force myself to keep smiling and not turn down every activity offer, but its hard.

Yesturday I went out for coffee with a lady who is a missionary here with her husband. She was very nice and invited me to have dinner with her and her family at her house next Friday. I'm looking forward to it.

Wow, this blog post did not go in the direction I was expecting. Hmmm. I'm going to go ahead and post it. I'll blog some cute funny happy stories soon. Promise.